All I Want for Christmas

Hint: it isn’t you, and it involves h-games.

If I could have one thing for Christmas, it would be the perfect visual novel. And if I wanted the perfect visual novel, it would necessitate that I create it – I’m pretty arrogant, huh?

Anyway, just wanted to quickly apologize for my unannounced absence these past few weeks – I got hit by exams, but thought I’d be back right after, but ended up in the middle of Oklahoma with no internet connection for a wedding – in fact, the technology scene was so lacking, I couldn’t watch the NFL game of my choice because the TV only got three channels via rabbit ears! But I’m back now, and no one’s demanding that I put the “Christ back in Christmas” or telling me that global warming is a sham any more, so its all good. Back to the visual novel.

I actually several weeks back was talking to Yamcha about how I was on a quest for an eroge I’d like; sadly, all those otome games seem to involve rape, ruling them out for me. Where are the games for pervy girls like me who don’t think rape is sexy? I’m sure the market is small, but, come on, they make BL games for us (I’ll conveniently ignore the fact that most of these also involve rape…)!

So what’s the eroge of my dreams look like?

First off, what’s with harem versus reverse harem? Why not have both? Y’know, a harem with girls and guys. Way more interesting. And, no, the guys aren’t going to all be traps and the girls aren’t going to be all reverse traps. Yeah, let’s have a trap and reverse trap character, but other than that, no more gender-bending, other than for humor’s sake. I love traps as much as the next, but it is possible to have too much of a good thing. Anyway, the upshot is, mixed-gender harem = win.

On to the next point – two options for the playable character, a girl or a guy. Look, if Pokemon could finally catch on to the desire for this option in its Crystal incarnation for the Game Boy Advance, so can an eroge! I figure it should just be pretty much the same character either way, but one has boobs and the other has a penis. Maybe we could throw in a few distinguishing characteristics, like one is addicted to gingerbread and the other enjoys collecting magnets, but other than that they should be pretty similar. As a girl who is often accused of acting like a guy, I don’t see this as an impossible idea.

Also, because I’m a raging loser, John Barrowman and Tina Fey would appear as side-characters.

Anyway, like all good eroges, there’d be lots of fun h-scenes, and no one would ever get pregnant. But the leads here wouldn’t be your usual wusses, but instead they’d be sexy, debonair, hot, and go around seducing everyone they crossed paths with. And all the people they cross paths with? Completely photogenic. Except for the token nerds who end up being actually totally hot, and totally moe because they’d be all embarrassed and cute and shit during sex (yes, the guys too – moe guys ftw). But no out-and-out lolis or shoutas, eww.

And maybe the leads might be vampires, because bloodsucking has somehow managed to remain totally sexy even though Vampire Knight has become the biggest piece of crack/crap ever, and Twilight needs to stop existing. Damn you, Anne Rice! Damn you and your attractive and ambiguously gay vampires! (Did you know that Interview with the Vampire got a manga adaptation way back in 1994? Bet it was hot!)

So, uh, yes, I am demanding a bisexual harem/reverse harem eroge with a totally straight look on my face (no pun intended?).

Happy holidays.