I Wish I Were a Magical Girl

Because I know when to man woman up and admit things.

I must confess that one of my most enduring dreams has to somehow wake up one day and find myself imbued with magical powers which require that I have to save the world or something while clad in a cute outfit. This also extends to having a cute familiar of some sort, hopefully more in the mold of Kero from CardCaptor Sakura, or the dark iteration of Mokona found in XXXHolic as opposed to the annoying robot in Corrector Yui or the side-switching Pluie from Wedding Peach. And a repetitive transformation scene full of sparkles, flowers, and bright colors would also be a must.

The fact is, I first wanted to be a magical girl when I saw the DiC dub of Sailor Moon four hundred years ago, even if I didn’t really know what a magical girl was at that point. And approaching my fifteenth birthday I began to get this strange apprehensive feeling – after all, Luna appears to Usagi when she’s fourteen… so if I turned fifteen, no dice. And, yes, I did realize the absurdity of it, but on some level it was very hard to completely exorcise this sensation wholly from myself.

I still in my heart of hearts cling to some distant hope that somehow, some way, even as I approach the age of twenty-one, I can become a magical girl. Okusama wa Mahou Shoujo continues to provide me with inspiration, as Ureshiko (magical girl identity: Agnes Bell) is an adult magical girl, complete with a husband – that she has an unhappy marriage and gets replaced by a younger girl as the magical girl in charge is neither here nor there; she’s an adult magical girl, dammit! And I’m not married or planning on it, so that part doesn’t even matter!

By the way, if I were a magical girl, I’d definitely not behave like many do – “Oh, no! What do you mean I have sweet transformation powers and get to kick ass? I don’t want any of this, I just want to be NORMAL!” Pfft, fuck normal – I get to fight evil while looking cute! Why the hell would I not want that?!

Think about it – being a magical girl has a shit-ton of advantages. Halloween costumes are a no-brainer. You get to save the world. You get to fight bad guys, but you’re never actually in any mortal danger, since they’re always incompetent somehow… and even if you do die, you get to come back to life (Sailor Moon – the inner senshi, minus Sailor Moon, croak a grand total of three times during the course of the series, and they get revived in all three cases). Its a career builder (“Oh, yes, Iwas Mahou Shoujo Bishounen back in high school, so, yes, of course you should offer me a book deal!”).  And, also – duhhh, its cool.

Anyway, if I were a magical girl, I’d have to be a bad ass one. I’d have a cute magical girl uniform of some sort, but I’d also be bad ass. I’d have shiny aviator sunglasses to help signify this. Basically the point would be: “Yes, I am cute, but I’m here to kick your ass.” And I think I should carry a scythe. Actually, no, I should have a really cute (fuck, why are there no decent alternative nouns for ‘cute’? adorable doesn’t work all the time) magical wand… that transforms into a scythe. Kind of like how Sakura’s staffs’ wings get big when she activates a card, except sharp.

If not that, then I’d like to get to transform into my product of high school study hall boredom, Mahou Shoujo Bishounen, just so I can squeeze some fun reverse trap action in. But I do think I’d prefer to go the cutesy route since I get randoms urges to indulge in trying to be cute and shit, probably since I more often do things like shoot stuff, swear my ass off, and drink like a sailor… which aren’t particularly cute hobbies.

You know what would actually beat being a magical girl, though? Being a magical girl… in the Pokemon world! I could be a mad pimpin’ gym leader AND a magical girl! How awesome would that be? I’d get to star in a magical girl harem show with Pokemon. I really can’t think of anything I could possibly want more than that.