The Cynical Autumn ’09 Preview

I haven’t even seen previews yet, but I already know what I’ll hate!

So, over on Fuzakenna!, 21stcenturydigitalboy did a fall preview in which he only talked about what shows he’s looking forward to.

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What the fuck? That totally isn’t what a real anime blogger does! So to rectify his error, I’m doing a REAL preview… and because it is a REAL preview, I’ll only be talking about what shows I’m gonna hate! And I also made sure I didn’t do something dumb, like check out the manga or watch a preview before making my decision. Real anime bloggers don’t need to do that – they just know by an Engrish’d-out description and a crappy little picture that they’ll hate something.

If something doesn’t appear here, don’t assume it means I want to see it – I probably just feel so lukewarm toward it that I can’t muster up the ability to give a shit about it at all.

Battle Spirits: Shounen Gekiha Dan

A sequel to a show that I’ve never heard of that is based on a ‘popular’ trading card game? And that has bizarrely 70’s-esque character designs? Who the fuck would even like this, other than seven year old Japanese brats? The only TCG-based show I’ve ever actually liked was Pokemon, and that was really a video game based show! If you like this and are not a seven year old Japanese brat, then you must be stupid. I’ll hate this!

Queen’s Blade: Throne’s Heir

This got a second season? Why is anyone wasting their money making this? Anyone who watches this is a loser, since you can basically get a similar thing in several of the episodes of Battle Angel Escalayer… and with actual porn content! So why the fuck  bother with this shit? It’s not like you’re going to actually watch people get it on, so why not go full-out creeper and watch some hentai. Watching this is like a twelve year old boy sneaking National Geographic into his room – fine for the twelve year old, but you should just man/woman the fuck up and watch some real junk/buy that Playboy/Playgirl (depending on your tastes!). I’ll hate this!

Kämpfer

Oh, great, another pseudo-yuri harem crapfest. The main character is a guy who just happens to have been changed into a girl… and just happens to have the biggest boobs out of the whole cast! It also has some Sekirei-type battling crap. Fuck this, go watch another generic iteration of this theme, and I’m sure your puny little brain will be thrilled, since this has been done fifty thousand times already, and the upside of those other iterations is that they’re already done! So you won’t have to wait around for a full season to pass to know what happens! Except that if you have any brain matter you’ll know within five minutes of the first episode what’s going to happen in the whole thing. Also – it supports Hitler! I’ll hate this!

Nyankoi

Hmm, just what I wanna watch – an animated rip-off of 100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd (fun fact!: that show was canceled after only forty episodes… so Eddie never became a person again)! Fuck that. I’ll hate this!

To Aru Kagaku no Railgun

This is for people who watched To Aru Majutsu no Index and didn’t think Index was enough of an awesome loli for them. In other words, this show is basically for pedophiles. It also will probably have some fake-y yuri farting around in it. Since I’m not a raging pedophile who enjoys seeing little girls underpants, I’ll hate this!

Shugo Chara Party

Hmm, two seasons stuffed to the gills with crappy filler episodes? And the trap character isn’t even around any more? The only people who’re going to like this are ten year old girls and pedophiles. I am neither. Fuck this, just read the freaking manga. I’ll hate this!

Sora no Otoshimono

Hmm… boat boobs, a loli, a tsundere, some amnesia, and a girl who falls out of the sky. Oh, yeah, and lots of chibis. Also, the lead lives a life of pacifism… which gets screwed up by the angel. What the fuck is this shit? Someone needs to stop letting 14 year old boys design shows. I’m willing to bet that the girl who falls out of the sky has amnesia and can only say some asinine non-word like ‘ufu’ or ‘muwa~’ for the first few episodes. And then if I atually watched it, I’d have to stab myself in the face to save myself by ten minutes into the first episode. I’ll hate this!

Anyamaru Tantei Kirimin Zuu

Great, just what everyone needs – another magical girl show that is actually meant for nasty pedophiles, not the original magical girl audience of seven-to-fourteen year old girls. Basically, this rips off of Hollywood Tokyo Mew Mew, since our uber-moe leads transform into animals (read: animals as envisioned by fifty-five year old Japanese pedophiles), but here we have none of the sledgehammer environmentalism of that particular show. There’ll also be plenty of panty shots and excessive crotch-shots for all the people I’m sure will tune in to watch this and jerk off to it! I’ll hate this!

Inu-Yasha: Final Act

So, lemme guess – there will be 52+ episodes, the characters won’t change at all, and then some half-assed deus-ex-machina will manage to close it all out. Oh, and somehow Naraku won’t actually get defeated, he’ll just lurk around forever and piss us all off by the lack of closure on that point. This’ll be chock full of not-quite-closure, just you wait. Also: does anyone really care any more? I’ll hate this!

Seitokai no Ichizon

WOW GAIZ ITS SOMETHING TOTALLI NEWWWW!!1 This one is about a student council for a high school… but all the members are girls! Except for this one guy, so he’s the only guy they let into their student council room! I bet he doesn’t end up having harem-ish antics with them at all! And you can see that girls panties! If that’s what I liked about high school girls, that they stay the same age even as I get older, I’m sure I’d love this! But I have enough of a life to not desire a relationship with a 2D rendition of all my favorite fetishes! I also like it better when my student council has sword duels and gets fucked with (mentally and physically!) by an evil guy with purple hair. I’ll hate this!