For all those guys who expect to wake up in Kampfer to-morrow.
Gentleman, I know there is a danger that could potentially confront you all – that you will wake up one morning and find yourself inexplicably rendered female. I understand that this is a legitimate fear for you all. So, to help you, I’ve decided to aid you in the zone of utmost terror… the women’s bathroom.
First off all, let’s take a look at a picture of your average women’s bathroom:
You’ll notice a preponderance of stalls and nary a urinal in sight. Not pictured are the sinks, but they’re not terribly important to note in this conversation – I’ll only make a passing mention that women wash their hands after using their bathroom at a higher rate than do men (something like 88% of women versus 70% of men).
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking – how exactly does a woman use the toilet in those stalls? And what do they do with their various garments when they do?
Alright, let’s procceed to the stalls then.
They have stalls in men’s bathrooms, so I’ll assume you have a basic idea of how it works – if the door is swung in, the stall is empty, so you can open the door. Once inside, lock that door! Then comes the tricky part! How do the ladies pee?
Alright, if you have a skirt, you have two options – you can either hike it up, or you can drop it. This is largely a personal preference, although I’d advise you to hike it up if its long so it isn’t all over that nasty floor. In general, actually, hiking it up works better than letting it drop freely, since skirts are harder to keep from hitting the floor than are pants.
And what if you’re wearing pants or shorts? With these, just do what you do when it’s #2! (Yes, I did say #2 because it rhymed!) Drop them!
And what if you’re Lady Gaga or a swimmer/dancer/gymnast/other athlete who wears a leotard? You can either do the pull aside method, wherein you simply yank the crotch area of your leotard/swim suit, ensure that it is fully clear of your potential piss stream, and then sit yourself down on that seat; this is the preferred method for swim suits, since its hard to peel wet swim suits off, and its really cold and unpleasant when you pull them back on (bikinis are less of an issue – just treat it like they’re pants: drop them). The second option, which is safer from a not wanting to get pee on your garments perspective, is to roll the whole thing down.
Anyway, next – so your garments are down… what comes next?
Ok – you know what you do when you poop? You know how you have to sit down? That’s what you do now!
Now that you’re done peeing, though, you’ve got another quandary – ladies don’t just finish and shake. See that toilet paper? Yeah, you’re gonna use that to dry yourself off. Usually a wipe or two will suffice.
Pull up all your garments (which you do as a guy anyway!), and flush the toilet. Next up – the sinks. Here again, its pretty straightforward, as you just need to turn those taps on and grab some soap (I recommend turningthe taps off with a sleeve to avoid germs!).
Proceed to the hand dryer, and then through the door – congratulations, you just successfully used the bathroom as a girl! Next up, tampons!