Pokemon: The Dating Sim

E3, baby.

I’m sitting here, and, not for the first time in recent vintage, I am sighing and lamenting that there are no dating sim elements in the Pokemon games. I keep telling myself that if I beat Jasmine in HeartGold, then I will be able to ask her out… even though I only know that the game is going to be sorely disappointing on that front.

With each new generation of Pokemon games, they introduce new elements. Why not toss in dating sim elements as well? There’s already a call function on the Pokegear, so one could easily ask for people’s numbers in a way that means they want to date them. You’ve got seasons now in the game, folks! What else could you possibly add?!

I know what you’re going to say: But, Day, Pokemon is a game targeted at children; they probably wouldn’t be interested in dating dim stuff and it wouldn’t really be appropriate for them, either. Oh yeah? And my fist is a force that is aimed at your face. DEAL WITH IT.

Now, obviously you couldn’t just open it up to dating just anyone in the games. Its bad enough that Joey calls me up to talk about his Rattata and Tiffany always wants to talk about her Flaafy (dude, no one cares about your fucking Flaafy) – imagine how horrible it’d be if they just started calling you up to ask you things like what your sign is (do people still ask this??? I’m an anime fan, I shun social contact) and if you want to go see a movie Friday night. Awful. So there has to be a decently limited pool of possible people upon which to mack.

Now, I think its pretty obvious that Gym Leaders should be on that list. Misty wears a terrible swim suit, but I’d probably still ask her out. It may be worth putting the Elite Four on the list, although I’m not totally committed to the idea. Other characters should include the rival/childhood friend characters (why does Cheren wear such tight pants when he’s supposed to be ten years old? that’s kind of a HNNNNNGH-inducer in me… makes me all sadface when I can’t do that because then I go “wait, he’s ten years old ARGH EWW BLECH DO NOT WANT”), maybe a scattered few of the trainers you just battle along routes, and other special named characters like the Kimono girls or Eusine (I’m playing HeartGold right now, bite me) (actually, can Eusine just date Morty? come on, like you hadn’t had that thought before yourself).

The good thing about adding dating sim elements to the Pokemon games is that it adds more new stuff to the games, and, well, apparently people like that kind of thing. It also extends the playability of the games – once you finish up all the regular stuff, you can really focus on wooing that man or woman of your dreams! Maybe Blaine won’t take you seriously because you’re just some runt, so you have to work hard to prove to him that you’re worth his time. Maybe Gary Oak is axe-crazy, so you have to figure out how to break up with him successfully. So many opportunities here, folks!

Now, mentioning Blaine brings up a great point. Blaine is old. The Pokemon games star ten year olds. Hmm. Not so kosher.

But this is an easy fix – make the character’s age adjustable, and lock certain characters out from the dating pool based on age. So, basically, if you choose to make your character a ten year old, well, they can date their friend/rival or some of the younger gym leaders. On the other hand, if your character is twenty, they can’t date those younger gym leaders, but they sure can bag themselves Agatha!

So, folks, there you have it – the future of Pokemon games: dating sim elements. You can thank me later.