Week in Review, 12/16 – 12/23: The Shitty Christmas Music Edition

My favorite Christmas song to start all of you off

Followed up with my favorite Christmas music video:

So, didn’t watch too much anime this week, as have been working nutty hours in retail hell. I did see episodes ten and eleven of K, so I know that Shiro is currently possessed by the ex-Nazi scientist who misses his onee-san and fucking loves blimps. In other news, there’s an evil fox spirit thing that likes to possess people, also, especially so that we can get really stupid and ridiculous panty shots in the classiest way possible. Also, enough homoeroticism to kill baby alligators. Wow! And sky dicks swords. Cannot forget the sky swords.

But, although I may have little to say on that front, what you’ve all been waiting for is finally here! The worst Christmas music that I am aware of! With slight cheating because of Kwanzaa.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Heretofor known as ‘The Date Rapist’s Christmas Carol’. The entire song is a guy refusing to give a woman back her coat on a cold evening when she wants to go home. Bonus points for the line, from the woman, “Say, what’s this in my drink?” WOW – I really don’t think I need to spell this one out, folks! Ladies and gentlemen, this is exactly how to not get asked out for a second date. It is, however, exactly how to be an over 9000 creepasaurus rex.

Two Front Teeth

I was forced to sing this as a child at a holiday concert many moons ago; I wasn’t crazy about it then, but the propensity for arrangements of it which have an adult singing the tune hardly incline me in its favor any more. When it isn’t sung by an adult, it is sung by a passel of obnoxious chillens who’ve been coached to sound as cutesy and lispy as possible. It is also a total lie as a song, as anyone who has ever lost a front tooth as a kid can attest that you instantly become an expert at spitting through the gap, and are totally delighted with your newfound skill. When sung by an adult, it just comes off as irritatingly smug, as the singer typically sounds like they’re thinking about what a cute little song it is and how cute it is to have a clever song for children like that. What a piece of crap.

Mistletoe and Holly

I hemmed and hawed a bit about including this, as the original version, while containing totally asinine lyrics (“Oh by gosh, by golly/It’s time for mistletoe and holly”), was sung by Frank Sinatra. Honestly, you don’t even really notice the lyrics so much as you note that his voice is pretty fucking sexy. Unfortunately, this is not the cut that generally sees the light of day nowadays; instead, we are trapped with iterations sung in unemotional, borderline braindead tones. And you know those stupid lyrics I mentioned? Their stupidity becomes blindingly obvious in these cases. I literally cringe when this one comes on.

Kwanzaa Celebration

Ok, maybe this is cheating, as this isn’t a Christmas song at all, but, well, its terrible and its played during December, so here it is (for the record, I haven’t heard any Channukah songs unless we want to count the one about dreidels, except that song doesn’t suck, so, there’d be no showing for Channukah even if I do consider that). I wish I could find a copy of this online so that I could share with you how shitty this song is. Its aggressively bland and inoffensive, almost as if the singer is trying to convey, “Hey! We know, we know – black people celebrating a black holiday, eek! But, I promise! We’re not scary black people, we are just enjoying our culture, I swear!” Basically, take rice porridge, melt a brown crayon into it, and you’ve got this song.

Jingle Baby

Who the hell thought this was a good idea? Here, just have the chorus:

And I’ll be your Jingle Baby, (Baby)
If you’ll be my Jingle Boy.
Look for me underneath your tree,
And I’ll be your favorite toy.
Don’t need to wind me up or shake me,
Got no batteries up my sleeve.
Once we kiss,
And I’ll go like this,
Right on till New Year’s Eve.

Singer comparing self to toy, and assuring her intended that she doesn’t need to be wound up or loaded with batteries. Empowerment is awesome!

Christmas Must Be Something More

Taylor Swift’s holier-than-thou addition the the Christmas music pantheon, in which she alleges that people purposefully try to ignore Jesus during the Christmas season… presumably non-Christians celebrating it, as well as Christians she deems insufficiently Christian. Also: cutely ignores that, actually, no, Jesus isn’t ultimately the reason for the season, as yuletide traditions in Europe date back well before the Christianification of the continent. And, hey, apparently if for you Christmas is primarily about getting together with loved ones, friends, and relatives, and you’re not so much on the Jesus stuff, you are basically an asshole. This one comes very, very close to being my number one hated song… but, it was beaten out by…

Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Lordy, I don’t even know where to begin on this one – even if it was for a good cause (raise money for famine in Ethiopia), there is just so much that is so wrong with this song. So let’s just go with bullets:

  • sanctimonious as hell
  • “There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas.” uh, lol, ask the folks by Kilimanjaro about that one, moron… and talk about a Northern Hemisphere-centric view of what constitutes the Christmas season!
  • oh, yeah, I’m sure that, y’know, the people in a nation like Ethiopia that is Christian enough to have its own church have NO idea that it is Christmas! those silly Africans, we must educate them!
  • implication that suffering is a zero-sum game – “Well, tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.” apparently, someone MUST be suffering, because if they aren’t, then someone else would HAVE to be suffering… although wouldn’t this mean that if you do help feed them, you’ll automatically begin to starve yourself? and, hey, thanking God that someone else is suffering in your stead, that is a real Christmas-y sentiment right there!

I feel like I could easily keep going here, but I already feel myself getting annoyed with the stupid thing and it isn’t even playing at the moment! What a crappy, rotten song – and, no, the funds it raised does not in any way exonerate it.

* * *

Not sure where to put this, but Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas depresses the shit out of me. I blame the U.S. TV show House, as well as some of my college friends who cajoled me into watching a few episodes. Now it just makes me think of self-mutilation! Thanks, tomodachis…

This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Week in Review, 12/16 – 12/23: The Shitty Christmas Music Edition

Comments are closed.